The Other Kind of Grandparents
Some Lack the Desire or Skill to Nurture Relationships
As a footnote to the piece we ran the other day noting how fortunate some feel to have had their grandparents in their lives, this one is not so upbeat.
I wandered upon a blog this morning. In a post called "I Thought I heard a Young Man Mourn Today," the writer layed his feelings bare. He wasmusing on the subject of his own parents and grandparents, who evidently weren't able to meet his needs, and that's sad, but not unusual. His writing is worth sharing and learning from.
The grandparents on our side have one ambition - and it is to get as far away from their grandchildren and travel the four corners of the Earth. They worked hard for what they have, it is their choice, and what they want. Their travels have come as first priority to the point of being away from the birth of some of their grandchildren. At one of the Bar Mitzvahs, I was put in a somewhat awkward position of having to explain to the other side of the family why they were not there for that either and I know technically they can turn all this around and blame circumstances and changes of plans, but the reality is - priorities are priorities, and travel has been number one for them, and how dare anyone question it. They waited a month to even see my daughter, even though they were two hours away, and the first visit in a month was a quick drop by on the way to a play. Compare and contrast this to one local friend of ours, where the mother came down from Seattle to stay with them for a long period of time for the birth of that child. But again - I can't criticize them - they do the best they can and offer what they can, unfortunately, they are so broken they have nothing to offer except for a re-count of their travels and the constant reminder of the estate they will leave behind. My father once questioned why some were not present at the 50th anniversary gathering, and my question in response was why would they want to be there - his answer with a grin was "dollars, lots of dollars". If that is all you have to offer someone, in my mind that is the definition of a tragedy. They lived in the same town as my older brother when he had his children, but made a conscious decision to be absent in any type of real participation there. I think if they were emotionally capable of being involved, they would have been - but it just was not there. I don't know if on one of their dying days there will be any regrets that they were not involved more, since they don't believe in life after death and really only live on in our minds. I must sadly conclude that as easy as it would be to criticize their actions, they have given us the best they did have to offer.
Having some measure of dysfunction in my own family background, as do most of us, I suppose, it isn't tough for me to understand this writer's point or to empathize. Hopefully, he'll not repeat history. As his children grow, may he have the strength and intelligence, the soul and nurturing spirit to offer something more to his own children and grands.
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