Sex and the Senior Citizen - You!

How to Continue to Enjoy Intimacy Regardless of Age

Sep 23, 2006 Maryan Pelland

You made it through puberty and all those changes - you can make it through this part of life, too, with your sex life intact. Many seniors say sex is better now.

Here's the deal. If you're about to turn 60 this year or next, then you were learning about sex just before or at the beginning of the sexual revolution (circa early 1960s?). That means you probably didn't learn much about sex or about your body.

If you didn't get it then, you might still have some misconceptions. Now, you're facing still more hormonal changes - kind of like adolescence or menopause - and you need to be aware of how your body responds. Sex is still around for us, but it's changed and so have we. Let's consider.

First of all, the changes happen slowly now so you might not even realize you're different at first. Just an odd feeling of, "It ain't the same."

Hormone levels drop for all of us - men and women. Men find it more difficult to be interested in sex or to respond when they are. At the very least, the response time slows. Any little bitty distraction and bam! interest disappears in mid-whatever. For women, we lose much of our natural lubricant and the vaginal walls, (ok, call it down there if you must) become less pliable and less sensitive.

If you haven't had a partner for a while for whatever reason, or haven't engaged with your partner, these issues can actually cause pretty acute discomfort in sexual activity for women (and men, I suppose). One thing you can do is try water-based lubricants made for that purpose. They make them flavored, scented, plain, and even ones that heat up on contact. You decide what works for you. They have them at the drug store.

Men, you can talk to your doc about medications of all sorts if you're having bouts of ED...which you know from watching the myriad of commercials on TV means erectile dysfunction. Take your partner with you and talk to the doc together. Understanding and communication are terrific turn-ons.

There's a bunch of things that can interfere with desire. Lots of physical ailments like diabetes, high blood pressure, even heart diseases, can make you just not feel like doing anything. Make sure you have regular physicals to rule out those things. If your doctor prescribes meds for you, take them. If they have side effects related to sex, talk to the doc again and try another medication.

Fatigue, body image as gravity changes your girlish (and young guy-ish) figures, a feeling of not being as connected as you once were, and even wondering if your partner still loves you. All can make you less interested in sex.

Well, then. Try intimacy first, and let that lead back into the horizontal mambo when you're both ready. Five good ideas:

1. Sit close to each other on the couch when you watch TV or move your armchairs right next to each other. Hold hands. Do this for five nights in a row.
2. Go to bed an hour earlier than you're used to - together - and snuggle. Read something aloud to each other or talk about the day or listen to music. But just cuddle. No sex. No pressure. It feels awesome. Kiss goodnight - peck on the cheek is acceptable.
3. Have a candlelight dinner at home, even if it's take-out food and paper plates. Soft music. Flowers. Candles. Kiss each other before sitting down. Gaze adoringly at your partner once during dinner. Dine s-l-o-w-l-y.
4. Sit outdoors at sunset and have a quiet conversation about something light, nice and not-at-all-serious. Pick movies, food, your neighbor or the sunset's colors. Listen at least as much as you talk.
5. Buy a small surprise gift for your partner and expect nothing in return. Something you know they just giggle over, but seldom think to buy for themselves. Flowers, a new CD, a balloon, candy. Something fattening. Something useless, but cool. Bestow it unto your partner with a big smile.

The most important thing you can do to restore some spice in your life is to talk with your partner about your sex-life, in a non-intimidating manner. It may be a little, um, embarrassing for some people to talk right out about you-know-what. But listen, we've made it to the 21st Century. Everyone knows where babies come from - even little kids. So buck up and speak up.

Never try the conversation when you're aggravated with each other. Don't sling remarks around to wound, like, "Yeah, well, how come we never have a sex life anymore?"

That makes it all worse. Be sensitive. Be compassionate. But do feel free to ask for what you want and need to make you feel loved and cherished, and...desired.

One trick therapists use successfully is called "Act As If...."

It goes like this. When a couple has an issue they're working on, the first step is to act as if the solution is already in place. If you want to be closer to your partner, then act as if you're close and warm and content. Theory is, if you do that for a period of time it will become habit, just like acting far apart became habit.

You may feel stiff and a bit silly at first, but don't give up. It works and it's fun to change the way we respond to each other.

While you're working on that project, get to know your own body. You might have missed out on the free-wheeling maelstrom of information our kids had about sex, but it's never too late. Read, ask questions, explore your physical self. Act as if you're sexy and ready for excitement in life. You have a long way to go.

More:

Sex and Older Women

Sexuality and You: a Canadian site

Comic relief - about sex over 50

The copyright of the article Sex and the Senior Citizen - You! in Seniors/Grandparents is owned by Maryan Pelland. Permission to republish Sex and the Senior Citizen - You! in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

Love after 50