Living with Your Son or Daughter

Adjusting to Extended Family Living Is a Challenge

Aug 28, 2006 Maryan Pelland

Seniors moving in with their adult children. Could be open to pitfalls and stumbling blocks. These tips will help smooth the way for us grandparents.

Whether you would choose to live with one of your children in her home is a complicated issue. It may sound warm and fuzzy, kind of like a Norman Rockwell, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. In fact, the situation can be frought with problems with no one in particular to blame.

When your kids were, say, in their early 20s, did they leave home to forge their own way and then come back out of necessity? How did that work for all concerned?

It's along the same lines when your time comes to decide about living alone, moving to a senior apartment building, going into organized independent living or moving in with your daughter.

Statistically, it's the daughters who step up and make room for their parents. Of course, there are sons who manage it, too, but daughters are the most likely nurturers. A study from the Center on an Aging Society (Georgetown University) determined that and some other interesting trends.

For example, most long term care provided to elders living in the community (meaning, not in a nursing home) is provided by friends and family. Adult children are likely caregivers, but it isn't unusual to find seniors living with siblings or other relatives. Let's consider, for purposes of this discussion, healthy seniors who can be mostly independent, but may need help with household tasks, meal provision, and so forth.

In the next 2 dozen or so years, our adult population age 65 or older will increase 101%. The population of likely caregivers, age 45-64, will probably increase at less than 10% annually. That's an intimidating set of figures for families, isn't it?

It boils down to an increasing likelihood that, at some point, many of us will move in with our children. It can work, but both generations need to honestly consider and talk about serious issues. If there is no meeting of the minds, tension will rule the roost and success will be elusive at best.

The number one tension factor, as in many marriages, is finances.

The average home caregiver spends a bit over $2,000 annually in new costs. If a family is already on a strict budget, they'll feel the pinch. That may be a key issue in disagreements as time goes on.

Adding another adult to an established home can be problematic, especially if the elder is not ready to relinquish a parenting role. A new relationship has to evolve that isn't based on parent-child or authority figure models.

Division of labor. There's more to do when a person is added to the family. Who'll do what? How do you make the decisions about chores?

Adult autonomy. We need to make personal, medical or financial decisions of our own. It's a little tense when our offspring leap in to influence decisions. Boundaries are important.

And what about leisure activities? Who decides what goes on the television? How loud can it be turned up? When is bed time? Can visitors drop in - what's the telephone etiquette?

Obviously, as in any relationship with even a small chance of success, you'll need thorough, serious discussions before anyone changes their address permanently. It works well to hold a series of chats - set a time, have an agenda for each meeting. Make the setting calm, comfortable and relaxed. Take notes. Think of the end result in terms of a contract and consider these tips:

1. Each adult involved, no matter age, is an independent person. Even when health becomes more of an issue, we deserve the dignity of managing our own life to whatever extent we can.
2. Talk out problems honestly and openly before and after arranging to live together. If it begins to feel like the situation won't work, be frank with yourself and look at other possibilities.
3. Set a firm rule that you won't interfere with parenting issues in your daughter's or son's home, and they won't see you as an always-available-baysitter.
4. Find a way to have your own space. Ideally, you need a bedroom or bedroom plus bath. If a small suite can be managed, so much the better. If you can pay for alterations to the home to accommodate that, do it. You need a place to escape to. Everyone does.
5. Be sensitive to the household's established patterns and adapt graciously.
6. Make a living will and make sure all your documents are up-to-date. Sometimes it isn't a good idea to ask your children to manage your personal life. Hire whatever experts you need on your own - lawyer, accountant, advisor, whatever you require.
7. If you have a pet or the household does, make sure everyone is ok with the rules Loud arguments have begun over doggie poo-poo in the wrong place.
8. Get clear and specific over how chores are handled. Volunteer to do things you can manage well, and then do them without question. Don't develop a habit of running interference for grandkids and doing their chores when they slack off.
9. Establish your own routine that fits well with household schedules. Gently let everyone know if you nap regularly, or like to read quietly in the afternoon, or shower in the evening. Compromise to accommodate others, but don't give up all your personal comforts. You'll end up feeling resentful.
10. Cut your son-in-law or daughter-in-law an extra measure of slack. Overlook their "transgressions." Assume they have everyone's best interest at heart. See them in their own best light.
11. Unless you're ill, expect no one to wait on you. Don't feel obligated to wait on anyone else, either.
12. Always say what you need out loud, in a non-intimidating tone and phrase it as a request, not a demand. Don't make people guess what's up with you.
13. Here's the most important golden rule: Be genuinely ready to succeed. Don't play the "if you loved me you would have..." game. Be forthright, but kind. Be upfront, but understanding. Temper everything you do with love.

Many extended families get along wonderfully and feel blessed with an opportunity to be together. Some find the situation strongly challenging and some can't manage such a living arrangement at all. The bottom line is: Share your time and yourself but nurture yourself so that your needs are met. If you take care of yourself you'll have plenty of personal warmth for your family as they welcome you home again.

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