A growing situation - non-traditional families headed by grandparents. It can put retirement out of the question, present large challenges and fill a home with love.
Every city and town has its share of non-traditional families with grandparents at the helm, a situation becoming more common across the country. You anticipate leisure time with your spouse in your golden years. It's a shock to find yourself parenting again.
Anything can happen, from the death of the child's parent to alcoholism or mental health concerns. No matter, there is little mentoring and pitiful financial support for seniors accepting custody of children.
Some parenting seniors have developed support groups and Web sites like Grandparents' Resource Center.
Vincent and Cindy Kay Roth, Florida residents in their 50s, raised two sons and are raising a teenager, with them since age 4. They feel lucky.
Their granddaughter is a good kid. Vincent has been able to maintain employment, their health is stable, though Cindy is disabled with Rheumatoid Arthritis. They have a home and a local support group for advice when things get crazy.
Vincent, an experienced Internet user, launched a Web site to support care-giving grandparents and to sell related merchandise. His Grandma and Grandpa Luv Me has a special purpose.
He hopes sales can provide college money for his granddaughter. You don't plan college funds for two families. You can't foresee a lot of the bumps in this road.
Dolores Mrozowski, a support group founder, is raising her third generation. Her great-grandson, age 9, came to her at 10 months old. She took custody of her granddaughter, now 27, at 2 months and had a daughter who died 5 years ago in a shooting.
Says Mrozowski, "You take them in and love them. It's difficult emotionally for everybody."
Her great-grandson asked her how he was bad when he was a baby. His mom gave him away. He must have been bad. Mrozowski said the right things about good choices and bad choices. She explained that it wasn't about him - it was about the adults involved. She said you try not to ever talk negatively about the kids parents. She wonders if her little guy can process the idea that it isn't his fault.
"Sometimes," she said, "parents forget what this does to kids."
There's not much government help. Maybe child support if parents are found. Some kids qualify for Medicaid. With adoption, Social Security may kick in. Generally - money issues fall squarely on the senior guardian. Benefits differ from state to state.
Grandparents cast as moms and dads stay strong and committed. They tire more quickly and make time for their own concerns between school physicals, birthday parties, and diapers.
Their grassroots support groups are a quest for solace. They organize family events, taking up slack from the absence of traditional family. They turn to each other for advice and companionship. These folks wish there could be a national campaign for resources.
"It's serious," says Judie Phelps, widowed last year and raising two granddaughters. "There's a throw-away generation from young parents dropping out of marriage when it gets tough."
Phelps, a support group leader would like to see experts in all communities step up and volunteer to provide information and mentoring. "Maybe a lawyer could talk to a group of grandparents. Maybe a therapist or someone from the government. We're all open to ideas and to new members," she said.
Retirement is unreachable for these parenting grandparents. No cruises and little free time. Many lost friends because retirees don't want to spend time around kids that don't go home after a visit.
This group tackles daily challenges head-on. Each will tell you loud and clear though, the amount of love in their non-traditional families is humongous. They wouldn't give up their kids for all the cruises in the world.
