Grandparents Make Mistakes Too
Give Your Parents and Kids Space to Learn and Grow Together
Sometimes it's better to let grandparents learn too. The grands really do "get it" if you give them a chance.
You’re probably absolutely determined that you’ll do a better job raising your kids than your parents did in raising you. That’s pretty natural. Everyone leaves the birth home with personal emotional scars. Even if childhoods are “great,” everyone hopes to be able to improve on “close perfection.” There’s a reason “king (or queen) of the mountain” has always been a popular childhood game and evident in adult interactions. It simply feels good to know that there’s a notch higher and that everyone can try reaching it.
What's Important?
As you look at and think about what you consider important and how you want to shape your child’s early years, you may find that you’re at odds with your own parents. Perhaps your parents spanked, as was common in earlier generations, and you’ve decided that isn’t going to be part of your discipline plan with your children. Absolutely, make that clear. Some battles are worth fighting.
Ignore the Small Stuff
On the other hand, there are other little battles that better left to play out. Let’s say that your parents (the grandparents of your children) think it’s critical that everyone wear shoes at the family dinner table. Your rules may be more relaxed, but if the grandparents are willing to prepare and present a meal, your children can respect the “shoes rule.”
In some cases, you may be screaming internally, “What the heck are you doing?” Maybe you limit candy at your home, and your Dad is giving your son unlimited access to Hershey bars. If your parents are keeping the kids, then maybe one night of excess candy will make the point. If your son throws up, and your Dad gets to deal with that, he may see the wisdom of your rules to limit excess candy consumption. If your son is up late and bouncing off the walls, Granddad may make the connection. You might even politely mention that this is an issue (again).
Respect the Learning Curve
There may also be times when grandparents help out, but they have not had much experience. Maybe your Dad never changed diapers with his own children and takes the initiative with a grandchild. You’ve gone with cloth to be earth friendly, and he doesn’t remember the plastic diaper cover. Someone gets wet. This really isn’t the end of the world. Frustrating maybe. But not a cardinal sin.
Know When to Yell and When to Yell Uncle
If you have a difference of opinion, and it’s important, do speak up. If your baby is chewing on the Christmas tree lights, that’s dangerous. On the other hand, many potential little battles are minor. If Grandma buys way too many pretty clothes for your daughter, and you’re trying to downplay material consumption, you may feel uncomfortable. In the end, the messages at home will sink in. Grandma can enjoy buying some pretty clothes and hopefully see that her time is much more valuable than her purchases.
It Really is a Team Effort
It’s hard to raise kids. It’s hard to be perfect grandparents. You’ll make mistakes. So will your parents or your spouse’s parents. Step back. If it’s important, make your wishes and rules known. If it’s not really a big deal, give the grandparents some room to enjoy the grandkids and chances to make their own mistakes and learn. In the end, it’s all about love, and you love your kids. So do the grandparents. Everyone is sorting out new roles. It’s not easy. But, hopefully it’s fun – most of the time.
