.
You'll never see your grandchildren again. Get inside your head and heart and try to feel what that would be like. Every year, thousands of grandparents are put in such situations when their son or daughter divorces. The results can be devastating for children, grandparents, and parents.
School progress suffers. Children may become seriously depressed, without anyone knowing. Grandparents can suffer from depression, as well. Life turns upside down for the kids - often involving a move, a new school, loss of friends. And just when things couldn't get worse, very special people disappear. Grandma and Grandpa.
Things are changing slowly in the U.S. Traditionally; courts made grandparents prove they would be an indispensable, positive part of a child's life. If the proof was compelling, the court might intercede and order visitations.
In the past year, several judges decided to overtly recognize grandparent rights and the best interest of the child, which is usually served by protecting their relationships with grandmas and grandpas.
Divorce affects more than half of families around the world. The chances of your family being faced with it are huge. Be prepared. Know the facts. Know your options, and be willing to act. Keeping yourself connected to your grandchildren is not just for you, it's really important to them.
Professor Gerhard Amendt, a prominent sociologist at the University of Bremen Germany works on issues surrounding divorced fathers, primarily. He said, "A child learns a broad realm of experiences and acceptance through their grandparents. (Grandparents) can make the child feel a serenity that derives from their life experience and their age."
Meaning, the rainbow of life experiences you have colors your perspective and reactions to everyday challenges and events. A child's parents can lead them and instill values critical to emotional and mental health, but perspective is limited by the parents' ages. Have you noticed that, as you get older, you tend to be less reactive and perhaps more proactive in how you evaluate things?
That, in itself, is a stabilizer for kids. Things you remember from your childhood and growing up years are very different from what mom and dad have experienced. The value there? Besides pure fun, it's a way to pass on to new generations what we've learned as a society.
TV's Dr. Phil, a great fan of grandparents, points out often that some of the most prominent influences on a child's life come from grandparents.
What You Can Do
Well, now you know how important you are, let's look at things you can do to prepare for eventualities and to protect that wonderful relationship between you and your grandchildren.
Positive Steps to Building Long-Term Bonds
- From the beginning, nurture your relationship with your son- or daughter-in-law. Stow impulses to criticize. Keep advice to yourself unless you're asked for it. Respect your in-law and show genuine cordiality to them. Your child chose this person, so find the good in him or her.
- Build a relationship with the other set of grandparents. You don't have to be best friends if you don't want to, but you do have to let them see that you love your grandchildren and are willing to share your status.
- When marital conflicts occur, serious or every-day normal stuff, stay out of the middle. It's great to be supportive of your child, but you'll cut off your own nose if you see this as an opportunity to trash the partner.
- Create a place for yourself as grandparent, not as interloper, know-it-all, or surrogate parent. Make sure the grandkids know you admire and respect both their parents, even if that's a challenge for you.
- Do whatever you have to do, including getting mental health counseling for yourself, to make absolutely sure you are never the cause of marital discord. In-laws (that's you) are one of three major causes of divorce. Money and sex are the others.
What to Do If Divorce Looms
- Offer affection, support and an impartial ear. Hard as it may be to remain at least somewhat impartial, taking sides can have long-term repercussions.
- Don't cut yourself off from either party or from the other grandparents. Remain approachable and reach out where you think you can honestly offer something.
- Be willing to take on a new role as family structure changes. Baby-sit if asked. Pick kids up at school, if that's what's needed. Manage a birthday party, if the parents can't find a way to do it. Think creatively and generously.
- Be supportive to the grandkids without any hint of criticism of either parent. Listen a lot, talk a little and measure your words, tone, and facial expressions.
- Talk openly and honestly with both parents. Tell them how you see your relationship with them and the kids in this changing family. Tell them what you're willing to do. Ask them what they need and want.
- Never attempt to negatively influence the children's feelings toward, or opinion of, either parent.
- If arguments ensue and despite all efforts, you think you'll be cut off from the grandchildren, step out of the fray. Refuse to engage.
- If all else fails, seek legal advice. Many grandparents have won their cases in court. It's worth the effort and expense.
What If You're the One Getting Divorced?
A final thought on divorce. In this society, younger couples are not the only people to go through divorce. It's becoming more frequent after even 25 and 30 years of marriage. If the unthinkable happens to you and your mate, be sure you consider how grandparenting fits into the future for both of you. Animosity is not a required component of disbanding a marriage. Everyone involved feels angry and hurt, of course, but sanity can prevail and no one has to lose the things precious to them.
Be willing, for the sake of your grandkids, to encourage your partner's bond to those kids. Don't carry your hostilities around at family events. Be willing to endure the presence of your ex at holidays or parties. No dagger-like looks. No throw away remarks. No sobbing and dramatics. Enjoy yourself, mingle with others and offer a smile and nod to the ex. Try it - you'll feel less stressed. You'll gain respect in the eyes of the people who matter to you and your self-esteem sky-rockets.
A tough topic, this. But worth considering. May your family never need these tips. May peace reign over whatever you all face, together or apart.
MORE:
Grandparents and Visitation Rights
Some info about divorce for seniors
